unconditional appreciation: four ways to practice contentment
When you look for external circumstances to make you happy, it’s easy to overlook the joy that always lives inside. What makes you feel joyful, even when circumstances aren’t going your way?
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The other day I was washing dishes and thinking to myself how happy I'll be when we finish remodeling our kitchen. We've been working on it, DIY style, all summer, and we're almost done. Yesterday I made the first home-cooked meal in there since June! As I looked around at the newness of the kitchen, I noticed how old the dining room looked next to it. And I started thinking how happy I'll be when we finish remodeling the dining room, too. And just like that, my thoughts trailed off into all the work that needs to be done on the house, and I began to feel overwhelmed and impatient.
There's nothing wrong with visualizing the completion of a project you're working on or visualizing yourself happy in the future, but it's the energy you do it with that makes you feel better or worse. Are you looking ahead with impatience and frustration? Or are you looking ahead with willingness and gratitude?
This mental habit of "I'll be happy when..." is a familiar, normalized habit. It's a common phrase and topic of conversation. We think it when we are experiencing discomfort or displeasure that we want to bypass. When you're waiting in line, and you'll be happy when it's your turn. When you are paying down debt, and you'll be happy when it's finally paid it off. When someone you love makes a decision you don't like, and you'll be happy when they do what you want.
We attach so much of our contentment to "when" certain things are going to happen. I'll feel worthy when... I'll be able to relax when... I'll stop feeling guilty when... I'll stop worrying when...
When we are conditional this way, how long does the satisfaction actually last before we are holding out for something else? There's always something that will inspire us to expand and feel the urge of new desires. We will always notice the gap between where we are and where we aspire to be. Contentment is about realizing that your life is whole and miraculous and perfectly imperfect, in every moment. That you don't have to wait for external conditions to prove your purpose or your worthiness. Contentment is the unconditional appreciation of life, exactly as it is.
Below are four practical ways to cultivate the feeling of contentment with four corresponding writing exercises from my new guided journal, A Year of Self-Reflection:
1 — Radically accept all of your emotions
In a recent episode of Nikki Walton’s new podcast Go(o)d Mornings, Nikki described our ever-changing moods as inner weather. Her advice is to allow the rain, snow, wind, storms, all of it, willingly. To observe your humanness with love, and remember the calm knowing that exists underneath it all. She calls it “sheltering in place.” Often, I only need to get out of my head and into my body to find that sheltered place beyond the turmoil of my thoughts and emotions. I’ve learned that I can’t think myself out of my feelings, but through physical awareness, I am usually able to reconnect with a higher state of mind.
Exercise: Describe what it feels like in your body to be in a content state of mind. Pay particular attention to your throat, chest, and solar plexus areas. How does it feel in your body when you are content vs. when you are upset? This awareness can help you weather your next storm, knowing you are always safe.
2 — Recognize your conditions
I’ll be happy when… I’ll relax when… I’ll feel worthy when. When you notice yourself having these thoughts and acting as if they were true, pause and change the narrative.
Exercise: Mantras are words or phrases that can be repeated throughout the day when you need a dose of positivity. Make a list of one-sentence mantras that you can say to yourself to tap into your joy at any time. Keep them simple, personally meaningful, and easy to remember. What words might you say to remind you that you are always worthy and always whole?
3 — Ritualize joy
Spiritual writer and teacher Lalah Deliah talks about ritualizing joy to establish pleasure as a priority in our lives. She reminds us that we don’t have to delay contentment until our lives are less busy or less demanding. She reminds us that joy is an intentional practice.
Exercise: Travel back in time to a happy memory from the past—maybe it’s dancing on the beach all night with friends, gardening with your grandmother as a child, or getting your first paycheck. Why does that moment stand out in your memory? Recall the way you felt, then sustain the memory and the feeling for at least 30 seconds. What activity can you plan to recreate that feeling in your life soon? Make a list of ideas.
4 — RELEASE CONTROL
Notice when you find yourself unhappy with someone or a situation you can’t control. Take a deep breath, remind yourself to accept what is, and tap into the feeling of contentment and centeredness that you’ve been cultivating. Know that when you are in an open state of mind, higher instincts can come through to help you navigate what’s happening without you having to exert force or control. Remember that you don’t need people to act a certain way or things to go a certain way in order for you to be content.
Exercise: List five solitary activities that bring you joy and aren’t dependent on any external conditions.
As someone who values slow living and mindfulness, contentment is one of my Core Desired Feelings. According to author Danielle Laporte, “Your Core Desired Feelings are how you want to feel most of the time—your most preferred states of being. They’re life-affirming feelings—positive and expansive. They’re qualities of the heart—expressions of love and vitality. Your Core Desired Feelings move you toward your Highest Self.” When I am content, I am not living in the past or the future, I am whole and centered in this moment. I am present, even when circumstances aren't ideal. I am patient, even when I am excited. I am observing, not judging. Embracing it all. Appreciating life, exactly as it is.
Journaling is a self-reflection practice that give us the capacity to pause and make conscious choices about how we want to feel instead of having automatic reactions to what’s going on around us. When you preorder the new journal, you can register here to gain access to the welcome video on the book's publication day, Tuesday, August 10. In the video, I’ll be sharing exercises from the book and additional tools and insights on writing for healing, discovery, and growth.
What has been challenging your sense of contentment lately? Which of the exercises above will you try first, to help you center yourself and shelter in place through any storm?
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A Year of Self-Reflection Journal, offers 365 guided prompts, quotes, affirmations and exercises to help you slow down, tune in, and grow. When you preorder from your favorite retailer, you can register here to ensure you receive the welcome video on August 10. I appreciate your support!