more love

by Rolanda Findlay

They say some years give you questions, and some give you answers. I sat pondering this, frustration and apprehension beginning to mount. Quiet fears rising over which type of year this might be.

Euphoric highs followed tightly by unexpected crashes back into a harsh reality. A rocky start indeed. I wanted to enter the new year with fresh, uplifted energy. Ease. Waves of calm beckoning me gently ashore. Answers. Please be a year of answers.

A spa certificate, gifted to me months before, caught my attention. “Use me”, I imagined it to say. Looking through the spa offerings, I stumbled across something that caught my eye. 60-minute massage and reiki energy balancing session. Hmm. While well practiced in receiving massage, I’d only vaguely heard of reiki. “Choose me” I imagined it to say.

I booked, feeling expectant. This combination of healing touch and energy clearing would be the self-care I needed to start my year with answers. More answers.

I laid face down on the massage table, finding a comfortable position for my face in the headrest. I had already exchanged pleasantries, filled with bubbly wishes for the new year. Now it was time to focus inward. In the darkened room, soothing sounds of the ocean waves and wind chimes filled the air.

My back felt like a stiff tangled web. One that had been starched and pressed hard, like the unflattering polyester button-down khaki shirt I wore for so many years in the Navy. Funny what we can become accustomed to over time.

My practitioner began her magic, and I melted under the pressure of her hands. My mind wandered to a paper I wrote in college on the healing power of touch. That was over 20 years ago, when I was just beginning my mad dash, looking to be the best and finish first, and prove myself at every turn. Of all the hundreds of college papers I’d written, that’s the only one I saved. Funny what we choose to keep over time.

I continued to savor the experience of my muscles and tendons and ligaments and fascia being coaxed into a state of calm. I breathed deeply as relaxed energy seemed to circulate through me. 

To begin the reiki session, I flipped over and laid on my back, a soothing meditation playing in the background. I silently set an intention to be present and open. I told my body, I am listening.

Even with my eyes closed, I could sense my practitioner’s hands hovering just above my body. She moved slowly and intently, moving from one energy center to the next, one by one, starting at the root chakra.

I felt my body ease into even deeper relaxation, each breath releasing a bit more of the fight. Surrendering a bit more of my resistance. Realizing there was nothing for me to do. I was safe to receive.

As we reached the heart chakra, the energetic dwelling of love and compassion, I was present to the strong beat of my heart. It’s continuously pumped and supported me, without me having to beg, plead, force or do, for more than 40 years. I felt a wave of appreciation wash over me, knowing my heart takes care of me. I heard the meditation guide offer the affirmation “I am loved”.

Faint, but present, I could feel a twinge of sadness. It wasn’t communicated in words, it was more of a knowing, but I heard what felt like both an invitation and a request. More love. I need more love.

Such a simple, yet profound, offering. I chose to draw it in a bit closer. I looked at it from various angles, without words or judgments. I saw a vision of land, yellowing from the sun, craving a cooling drink from the sky. I felt the relief of a hand, gently supporting my back, followed by the joy of tight embrace. The kind where after a second or two, you exhale, and feel the tension of the world lift, because you realize you are being held. Funny what we can sense in these moments of ease and restoration.

More love. More support.

In the following days, I explored what more love could look like for me. Instead of what I can’t have, I focused on the beauty of what is. I gifted myself more time. My normal 10-minute sit for meditation was expanded. I created more safe space to just listen and connect with myself. I invited my fears and worries to have a seat with me. Instead of trying to fix or change them, I held them. I thanked them for sharing with me. I nodded my head in recognition, acknowledging that I hear them. I gave more freedom to just be. I found space for more celebration and appreciation for who I already am. I showered myself with dignity and respect. And I watched as the tears transformed into laughter. Sadness eased into joy.

…

Rolanda is a huge supporter and regular participant in the AML Community. She calls it a “safe space” and loves being able to show up fully and share authentically with other big-hearted, creative, sensitive souls. She feels a sense of belonging here; and she treasures each of these opportunities to explore her voice, meaningfully connect through storytelling, and expand into more of her genuine self.