morally neutral

june 11 | weekly warm-up

Whether it’s being disorganized, having a hard time remembering birthdays, or talking a lot, what are some things that you feel shame or guilt about that are actually morally neutral and not a reflection of your worth?

Journal about how you can release the shame/guilt associated with these things. What hidden beliefs and inner narratives need to change? What assumptions do you need to challenge? What inner and outer expectations (‘shoulds’) can you redefine in a way that is empowering instead of disempowering?

Why do we feel bad about things that we are not good at?

The theme for the next few weeks will be Morals and Values, and when I set out to prepare for this series I discovered that much of the work we’ll be doing is around shame. The past few months have been particularly enlightening for me as I’m realizing so many things that I’ve felt shame about, that I thought were personal flaws and shortcomings, were actually morally neutral characteristics that have nothing to do with whether I’m a good person or if I’m worthy of good things. Let me explain.

I’ve been working with a new therapist over the last few months, and part of that has been screening for Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) One day I’m sure I will write extensively about this because it’s been life-changing, but today I will focus on the topic at hand which is shame and why sometimes we feel that we are morally wrong for not being good at things, or perhaps doing things differently than society says we should.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with my my ambitions and my ability to execute under certain conditions. I could never figure out why I did well in certain environments and circumstances and not others. I’ve learned that executive function skills underlie the capacity to plan ahead and meet goals, display self-control, follow multiple-step directions even when interrupted, and stay focused despite distractions, among others. This is a common attribute of ADHD, and for me it showed up anytime I wasn’t given specific plans and structure. This is one example of many. I’ve masked by struggles over the years because I didn’t want to be perceived as someone who was lazy, irresponsible, or flaky. While inside I beat myself up for being this way.

Since my diagnosis, I’ve been feeling so…validated. And I’m asking myself why I needed a label in order to stop feeling shame about these things. I’m sure I’ll be journaling about it for a while to explore that. This week, the reflection exercise asks you to think about ways you can release any unnecessary shame that could be getting in the way of you showing up as your authentic self.